The bitch
So the other day I got my first email virus (the crowd goes WILD!) It’s a huge pain in the ass and it locked me out of my Facebook account as well as both my email accounts. I was unaware of the eventual damage to come, as the hacker decided to send email asking folks in my address book for money! One of the actual emails follows:
"I'm on vacation in Aberdeen, Scotland and so much crap has been spewing out. We got robbed at the train station last night. Apparently, unsuspecting foreigners who aren't familiar with the area are their prime targets. It was a very traumatic experience, and wife also with boken ankle. I've reported to the cops but they haven't been of much assistance. So, I went to the Consulate and luckily after standing in line for what seemed like hours, I got to a customs agent and he said they can issue a replacement passport so that we don't have to be stuck here for weeks. I just need you to please loan me some money to clear the hotel bills so that we can have our luggage released by the hotel and also get on a flight back home tonight. I promise to refund you as soon as we arrive home, please let me know how you can get it to me asap."
Here are the problems with this mass email:
1) Anyone who knows Tara and I, knows she doesn't fly. So without the assistance of heavy duty drugs and a mule train, we aren't gonna be in Scotland anytime soon!
2) I NEVER refer to my wife as "wife". I tend to use her name cause most people like her way more than me and I use her name as a tenderizer!
3) If I had access to a computer, I probably had access to a phone! Who the hell emails when they can make a call?!
4)If you have read anything by me (as you are now!), you know that I didn't write it.
5) I would, though, absolutely say "Spewing out"!
Anyhow, being all locked-out of my emails, I got my password and security clearances back on FB and immediately wrote to all my FB friends that we were not in Scotland (or at Heathrow, there were two versions!) and if they got any suspect emails, to get them deleted immediately (cause I'm cool like that!). In this time span, I got several phone calls to my cell and home numbers from people on my address book, making sure all was well and we were not actually stuck overseas. Those are my peeps!
Here's where the story takes a more sinister turn......
I get a Facebook post later from an old "friend" here in town that reads as follows:
That's F'd up man....even for you. I am glad I checked here before I did anything to help out ....not normal dude ....and NOT funny!!!
For those of you who are "between the line's reading" incapable, I offer you this translation:
Fucking A, Vic. I have always believed you are a huge douchebag but this prank you pulled has forced me to believe that you are the "World's Biggest Douchebag". I almost sent you money in England before actually checking to see if this was true. Sure, I could have called to find out if it was true, but I mean, really, it is freakin, fuckin difficult to pick up a phone. I know that you have nothing better to do, what with two kids, a business, a wife, cub scouts, and the occasional need to take a toilet break, so you have time to play silly e-mail pranks, but really, you made me almost pick up the cell and make a phone call. I hate you and you smell. Fuck off, your semi-friend, "name withheld for the sake of who knows why"
I had always suspected that this person only really hung with me because they liked to hang out with wife (see how I did that?). But holy cow!!
Let's look into a better, less assinine FB post that might have seemed a bit nicer:
Dearest Vic, there I was contemplating particle physics when I saw on my electronic mail account what could only be the worst case of bad luck I have ever heard . My oh my, what a shock to find that you and "wife" were stuck in an Aereoport after being accosted by some Lebanese hooligans! And her with a broken ankle! I was obviously concerned for your very lives! Well, let me tell you, I was ready to send that money forthwith! Then for some unknown reason, despite my concern for your very lives, I pulled up my Facebook account only to find that you were not in England (or Scotland) at all! It seemed to be a saucy prank you were perpetrating on your friends! I was aghast! I considered phoning you, but you know the walk to the nearest party line is prohibitive, so instead I decided to pen you this message. You, sir, are a wisenheimer and I find no humor is your scandalous endeavors!! Now I must be off to the Western Union to send money to my newest friend Nybickwa Omblobigu. He is of Nigerian royal heritage, and after I send him $4000 to help him move his millions to an American bank, he is going to give me a king's ransom!! I thought of calling to find out if this was some variety of swindle, but, of course, that phone is very far away.
Now wasn't that nicer!
To the guy who hacked my account, you suck. You owe me hours and hours of time fixin this crap. To my friend who reacted this way,I now forgive you because I made fun of you online! That's how I roll!!!!!!! Regards from Scotland....Vic
The pitch
This is not a product I necessarily use, but the commercial's kill me. Old Spice Body wash muscle guy is a trip! Watch the remix of a bunch together for a giggle! I also found this alternate non-muscular guy satire that is well worth watching. Enjoy and "smile's everyone"!
