The 4 B's of my surgery: Bloated, black and blue balls!

The Bitch

Medically speaking, I am a fairly sound vessel. After 14 years without a trip to have my general "okay-ness" checked by a medical professional, I can boast a cholesterol level of 167 and no real issues other than I need to lose about 10 lbs.

GO ME, MOFO's! I ain't even tryin!

But what I seem to overachieve at, medically speaking, is getting hernia'.  After the inside's on my left side began making an appearance on the outside, I was poised for my first real need to visit a doctor in 14 years (you knew that if you were reading earlier).  During the exam, it turns out that not only do I have a gaping hole on my left side, but a couple others. One small one on the right and a little fellow just above my belly-button. I need to have my own show on Bravo. Fuck those midgets and multiple birthers, how about the guy with a gaggle of hernia's?  Now that's good television.

The procedure is now the single most performed surgery in the nation (and maybe the world) and men (I'm one of them) make up 75% of all inguinal hernia surgeries. But let's be frank, I'm not here to blather about numbers and statistic's. I'm here, blogging about the ugly, bloated and discolored side of the hernia operation that no one tells you about.  In a word................. MY NUTS! (okay, that's two words, but really, who's counting?)

Yep, that's what you, my friends, have gotten yourself into. Read no further if the discussion of my massive, multi-hued man sack is offensive or gut wrenching, because this, like my scrotum, is not a pretty thing.

When I was getting prepped for surgery, my Dr. came by to check on me.  During our brief encounter, she mentioned that after the procedure, my scrotum might be a "little swollen and bruised". I said "no problem" cause a "little swollen and bruised" is no big deal to a he-man like myself. Well, let me tell you that if what has happened to my junk over the past week is a "LITTLE" swelling and bruising, then my surgeon has a little boning up to do in her practice of scaling. This is "little" like Shaq is little...like Dolly Parton's titty-bones are little...like ex-vice president Dick Cheney is a "little" creepy. THERE IS NOTHING LITTLE ABOUT THE SWELLING AND DISCOLORATION OF MY BALSAC!

I am a guy who has no illusions to the size of my junk. I'm about average and fairly happy about that. I remember one of my counselor friends at camp in NY had about the longest johnson I ever care to see in real life.  My reaction was first to clap. Then I got to thinking about how not-fun it must be to tote that joker around all the time.  It's a very inconvenient thing to walk around with. Well, now I know what having a mammoth junkbag is like. Cripes, that thing is in the way all the time. I'm sitting on it, knocking it around and hitting it with stuff, I mean it when I say (like the old joke about the plump wife) when I sit around my balls, I sit AROUND my balls!

Let's talk about color. I have what I'm calling the "Burnt Marshmallow" effect going on. That is to say that the bloating, swelling and color are akin to what your marshmallow looked like as a kid when you accidentally set that bitch on fire at campout. SOOOO not a pretty sight! At first it was more like Skittles. A rainbow in every bag, but now it has progressed (progress, really?) to being a pitch black bag o' almonds that elicited a sit-com like reaction from my wife and son upon showing them after a shower (you know the reaction: both looking at something off screen, then the simultaneous "head back, hands to mouth, wide eyed" pull back. Oh yeah, it happened.) It's not unlike walking around all day with a Hippity-Hop" between my legs.

I find it an interesting part of the human condition that we adapt quickly to almost any situation.  If you had told me a week earlier that my bollocks would be pitch black and wildly magnified, I would have been aghast and terrified (I may even have cried a "little"). But here I am with that exact situation (not the Jersey Shore Situation, though he is a bloated nutsack) and I feel that I am handling it with dignity, decorum and a sense of humor, as is my family (they are not dignified but they have a great time making fun of my danglers).

This is the song they came up with in the car:

"Who's got the biggest balls in the world?, It's da-ad
da-ad, da-ad!
Who's got the blackest balls in the world? It's da-ad

da-ad, da-ad!

The first thing you see when your walking down the street, 

is his big black balls hanging down around his feet.

Blah blah, something else"

My son actually sang it into his phone and is using it as  a ringtone.

Then without any provocation, while riding in the car from the mall, he blurts out:

"Hey dad! Know what you should do for a job? You should join the circus and charge people 50¢ to see your huge nuts! Then you can use them to press hamburgers!" He's 8!

My current favorite joke I came up with about them (about "them"; its like I'm referring to another entity rather than a part of my anatomy) is:

"My testicles are so big..." 

"How big are they?"

They are so big, that they no longer hang off of me, I hang off of them!" (Insert rimshot here)

So anyhow, if you've read this far, you are wrong and demented. I have spilled my guts about my nuts and bared my groin for all to read and I hope you have enjoyed it. If not, that's life, suck on my big black and blue balls!

The Pitch

Part of the joy of surgery is the narcotics....yee-haw narcotics! Part of the downside of narcotics is constipation. I'd like to tell you about Sunsweet Dried Prunes today. I have read several post-surgery accounts where folks take up to a week to take a well deserved  (and pressure relieving) dump. A WEEK! I forwent this horrifying situation (not the Jersey Shore Situation, but I forgo him too!) by munchin up some dried Sunsweet Prunes! It helps you get a "move" on quickly and efficiently and they are full of vitamins, minerals, and junk! Thanks to you and your fine product Sunsweet!

With Facebook friends like this, who needs enemy's!?

The bitch

So the other day I got my first email virus (the crowd goes WILD!) It’s a huge pain in the ass and it locked me out of my Facebook account as well as both my email accounts. I was unaware of the eventual damage to come, as the hacker decided to send email asking folks in my address book for money! One of the actual emails follows:

"I'm on vacation in Aberdeen, Scotland and so much crap has been spewing out. We got robbed at the train station last night. Apparently, unsuspecting foreigners who aren't familiar with the area are their prime targets. It was a very traumatic experience, and wife also with boken ankle. I've reported to the cops but they haven't been of much assistance. So, I went to the Consulate and luckily after standing in line for what seemed like hours, I got to a customs agent and he said they can issue a replacement passport so that we don't have to be stuck here for weeks. I just need you to please loan me some money to clear the hotel bills so that we can have our luggage released by the hotel and also get on a flight back home tonight. I promise to refund you as soon as we arrive home, please let me know how you can get it to me asap."

Here are the problems with this mass email:

1) Anyone who knows Tara and I, knows she doesn't fly. So without the assistance of heavy duty drugs and a mule train, we aren't gonna be in Scotland anytime soon!

2) I NEVER refer to my wife as "wife". I tend to use her name cause most people like her way more than me and I use her name as a tenderizer!

3) If I had access to a computer, I probably had access to a phone! Who the hell emails when they can make a call?!

4)If you have read anything by me (as you are now!), you know that I didn't write it.

5) I would, though, absolutely say "Spewing out"!

Anyhow, being all locked-out of my emails, I got my password and security clearances back on FB and immediately wrote to all my FB friends that we were not in Scotland (or at Heathrow, there were two versions!) and if they got any suspect emails, to get them deleted immediately (cause I'm cool like that!). In this time span, I got several phone calls to my cell and home numbers from people on my address book, making sure all was well and we were not actually stuck overseas. Those are my peeps!

Here's where the story takes a more sinister turn......

I get a Facebook post later from an old "friend" here in town that reads as follows:

That's F'd up man....even for you. I am glad I checked here before I did anything to help out ....not normal dude ....and NOT funny!!!

For those of you who are "between the line's reading" incapable, I offer you this translation:

Fucking A, Vic. I have always believed you are a huge douchebag but this prank you pulled has forced me to believe that you are the "World's Biggest Douchebag". I almost sent you money in England before actually checking to see if this was true. Sure, I could have called to find out if it was true, but I mean, really, it is freakin, fuckin difficult to pick up a phone. I know that you have nothing better to do, what with two kids, a business, a wife, cub scouts, and the occasional need to take a toilet break, so you have time to play silly e-mail pranks, but really, you made me almost pick up the cell and make a phone call. I hate you and you smell. Fuck off, your semi-friend, "name withheld for the sake of who knows why"

I had always suspected that this person only really hung with me because they liked to hang out with wife (see how I did that?). But holy cow!!

Let's look into a better, less assinine FB post that might have seemed a bit nicer:

Dearest Vic, there I was contemplating particle physics when I saw on my electronic mail account what could only be the worst case of bad luck I have ever heard . My oh my, what a shock to find that you and "wife" were stuck in an Aereoport after being accosted by some Lebanese hooligans! And her with a broken ankle! I was obviously concerned for your very lives! Well, let me tell you, I was ready to send that money forthwith! Then for some unknown reason, despite my concern for your very lives, I pulled up my Facebook account only to find that you were not in England (or Scotland) at all! It seemed to be a saucy prank you were perpetrating on your friends! I was aghast! I considered phoning you, but you know the walk to the nearest party line is prohibitive, so instead I decided to pen you this message. You, sir, are a wisenheimer and I find no humor is your scandalous endeavors!! Now I must be off to the Western Union to send money to my newest friend Nybickwa Omblobigu. He is of Nigerian royal heritage, and after I send him $4000 to help him move his millions to an American bank, he is going to give me a king's ransom!! I thought of calling to find out if this was some variety of swindle, but, of course, that phone is very far away.

Now wasn't that nicer!

To the guy who hacked my account, you suck. You owe me hours and hours of time fixin this crap. To my friend who reacted this way,I now forgive you because I made fun of you online! That's how I roll!!!!!!! Regards from Scotland....Vic

The pitch

This is not a product I necessarily use, but the commercial's kill me. Old Spice Body wash muscle guy is a trip! Watch the remix of a bunch together for a giggle! I also found this alternate non-muscular guy satire that is well worth watching. Enjoy and "smile's everyone"!

Sexin it up (kinda) at 82

The bitch

So I'm slingin wieners the other day when one of my regulars, an older man who lives in the building in front of me comes by. He orders his dogs and proceeds to give me a short(ish) lecture on how he was "saved" at 9 years old and how Jesus is the "only way" and if you haven't got Jesus in your life you are lost, blah, blah, blah. Then, out of left field, completely, he starts yammering on about how he's having a problem satisfying his wife sexual needs! How the new medications aren't working for him and maybe his heart isn't strong enough to supply the needed blood! How he can still "take care of himself, you know, like men do" but that it's a big no-go on the horizontal Mambo with the Mrs. HOLY SHIT!

Now, I'm all about chatting about women and stuff, but this just crosses a line that I never even knew I had drawn. Lets get to the points!

1) Jesus and hot dogs!?! Christians are just so pushy! I'm just, like, "need some mustard" and he's all about "Jesus is the only way to heaven." I really respect folks's religion and faith, but there is a time and a place for this stuff and my cart, the gas station, Sam's parking lot, my front door on a Saturday morning are just not them! I'll take my religion on my own time, thank you very much. BTW, I thought that the Bible was pretty much set against rubbing one out!? Something about spilling the sacred seed (or in the case of my friend the dried remnents thereof).

2) Why are old people so damn tripped out on chatting about their private life? My gramps told my dad (when he was 90 or so) how "the viagra" had him and his girlfriend (80's) rolling around on the floor "like teenagers". Just recently I got another earful from this same older man about his "diarrhea" that apparently he feels he got from beer (Blasphemer!!!) Not just a couple of words, but color, consistency, clarity, and carat! It was like buying a fucking diamond!

Okay, I know, and can handle, the whole "respect your elders" thing, but at some juncture we have to send a message to these people! Maybe a large-print pamphlet or, how about we hide it in a crossword puzzle or a billboard or maybe, just maybe, screaming our heads off and running away every time they start in on some intimate issue that we just can't stomach.

"The other day, I was poking myself in the testicles with a fork for no reason and..........,"

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH......" (Sounds of size 12 boots running)

Just thinkin out loud.

Vic OUT!

The Pitch

I'm shooting to stay with a theme today, so I will be pitching a twitter site that has caught my attention and has furnished me with plenty of laughs. It also deals with things older adults say but in the angry, crazy straightforward older person manner rather than the insane bathroom/bedroom older person manner I have described henceforth! "Shit my dad say's" is a Twitter account wherein a young man (29) lives with his aging father who says some truly awesome stuff. He writes it down and posts to twitter for our enjoyment! I am to understand that he has now written a book and there is a TV show in development as well. I'm not sure where I stand on the book and show, but the site is true simple genius. Enjoy!

Just cause you smoke, doesn't mean you have to be an ash-hole!

The bitch

I'm originally from New York! You heard! One of the things that most impressed my wife and I about moving south was how much pride cities took on the upkeep of their roads and highways. My wife and I always find joy in showing our northern friends and relatives around and having them comment on the general appearance of things. I am especially proud of the Adopt a Highway program which we had never seen before, but was in full blown existence when we moved down 20 years ago! But inevitably when showing off the awesomeness of Charlotte, we will hear our northern buddies comment, "Wow! Look at all those cigarette butts" when we pull up to a stop at pretty much every intersection. Sad face emoticon!

Now, I've never smoked, so I can honestly say I've never tossed a butt into the middle of the road while waiting at a light. Maybe I'm missing something. Some great rush of felling that accompanies such an act, but, alas, I can only stand to the side and watch, wondering what it is like not to think my actions as singular, forgettable events with no regard for the future or impact on others. I am cursed with the knowledge that everything I do now will impact someone or something down the road and thus, I feel compelled to think before I act. DAMN THE LUCK!

To those who toss out your butts with the apparent belief that they will magically disappear, I have bad news: The only real magic out there is how David Blain is still getting television programs and the "Land of missing socks!

I would like to propose a few new highway beautification program slogans at this time. I am giving them away for free, so if you like em, use em!

Carolinas Roads: Highway's or Ashtrays

The Choice is yours!

or

Use your ashtray, dick-head!

It's that thing in your car with your change in it!

or

Tuesday's are punch a butt-chucker in the face day.

Let's all be proud Charlotteans together people. Charlotte doesn't have to be a pigsty to be a world class city.

The pitch

This just seems so fitting, I can't resist!

If you read back, you will see that I am a hot dog guy. I am also a BBQ fanatic and caterer! My pitch today is for the Cameron Stovetop Smoker! Ha, you see the way I did that?! I am pitching a smoker even as I just bitched about smokers! I am a laugh fuckin riot!!!!

Seriously, though, I have had the pleasure of using my two INDOOR stovetop smokers for the past 5 years and can say without fear of consequence that the quality of the food, the convenience of being able to do smaller batches of BBQ (even in the dead of winter) and the quality of the product itself is unreal! I am fond of the Hickory wood chips mixed with a little alder wood, but there are MANY types of wood chips available for each persons individual tastes. I hope this pitch finds some willing folks to dive into the world of home BBQ, but beware! Because BBQ is a harsh mistress and will take up way too much of your brain and thinking time! Good luck......Vic out!

Get in the hole!

The Bitch

To the guy who continues to yell "Get in the hole!" at the Masters and every other golf tournament. Please die.

The Pitch

I really like the Ziplock Twist and Loc storage containers! They are a price conscious way to store your foods and really seal them well. No more popped tops when things fall over.

WELCOME TO MY BLOG

The bitch!

WELCOME TO MY BLOG!!!!!

As the more observant of you may have already guessed, I am taking a page directly form the marketing genius who started the AWESOME trend of having their employees holler a heartfelt greeting at customers as they walk in the door! What the Fuck!!!!!

WELCOME TO THE SECOND PARAGRAPH!!!!!!!

I guess there isn't enough to hate about corporate-run shitty pizza chains and discount supermarkets, so why not have a group of underpaid, under-appreciated clock watchers yell at customers to really drive home the distain! I'm trying to imagine the interview process @ Food Lion:

Desperately underpaid, overworked manager: "Let's see, you have all the qualities we look for in an employee.....acne, a piss poor attitude and questionable hygiene. Everything looks good!"

Horribly under-excited future employee: "Could you keep it down, I'm texting."

Manager: "I guess I just need to know, can you holler an unemotional, fake greeting to every single person who enters the store for 8 hours at a run?"

Future Employee: "Huh?!"

Manager: "You're hired!"

WELCOME TO MY NEXT THOUGHT!!!!!!!

It's not that I don't enjoy being recognized when I walk into my neighborhood supermarket. I do. Especially when the person recognizing me is sincere and actually recognizes me! Corporations seem to have a team of folks who make obscene amounts of money to come up with idea's to annoy their employee's as well as customers in the name of courtesy. At Sam's Club for a while the desk people were required to answer every phone call in the following manner (paraphrased but close!) "Thanks you for calling Sam's at the University, Vicky speaking, how may provide you with excellent service today?" TOO LONG!!!!!! I just want to know if you are open, or carry tampons, or I called the wrong number and now I have to listen to the War and Peace of phone greetings! The employee's HATED it!

Am I overreacting? Maybe a little. I am just so tired of this push by large stores to try and seem as if they give a crap. Here's how giant stores can actually make it seem like they care (Giant store's, you may want to take notes!)

WELCOME TO MY FIRST BLOG LIST!!!!!!!

A) Treat your employee's, associate's, or whatever you are calling them these days (I worked at a place once that referred to it's employees as "Hero's". Really!?!) like human beings. Pay them fairly and do everything you can to make the time in-store as well as out-of-store happy and comfortable. They will repay you by actually not staring at the clock waiting for the drudgery of work to end so they can leave. It may also serve to stop said employee's from talking shit about your business in front of us customers, cause it happens A LOT!

B)Train them properly!!!! Rather than just showing the new guys how to push buttons and take money, teach them customer service points. How to foresee issues and solve them. Give them the ability and opportunity to actually serve the customer and not have to repeat the time testedly abhorrent phrase "I'll have to get my manager" It's a soul killer! Ownership of a situation gives employees a feeling of propriety and job satisfaction, try it!

C)Take away the fake. We all see through it and hate it.

Final thought; HEY, ice cream place that sings when I tip...STOP IT! I am actually less likely to tip if you sing at me. It makes me uncomfortable. Just say thanks.

The pitch!!!

Man, so many things to pitch for my first time, I'm very excited, hmmmm.......

Today's pitch is............. New Belgium Brewery!!!!!!!

So I really love beer. To an almost psychotic level. I have considered myself a beer snob for a while (but not the kind who busts your chops for your tastes, beer is beer and more power to ya!). I stumbled upon NBB Fat Tire first and fell fairly quickly in love with it. It's refreshing, full flavored, yet not overbearing. It's an everyday Amber that satisfies. Then on my birthday at Brixx Pizza, the manager was kind enough to sample us the most lovely black ale I have ever run across called 1554. It pretty much was over then. My love affair was signed, sealed and the wax was put over the envelope and stamped with the royal mark. Every sip was a joy. Rich dark flavors of caramel and coffee, with lightness of body that made it drinkable even in warm weather. Recently I have made it a point to enjoy any NBB styles that I can find. The Mighty Arrow is a triumph of a pale ale, with just a hint of citrus sweetness before the hoppy (but not too hoppy) finish. I am head over heals! I can even swear allegance to their Wheat beer which is not my favorite varietal. Check them out! They take their beer seriously and their website un-seriously! Maybe a few Mighty Arrows before shopping will make hearing "Welcome to your neighborhood Food Lion" just a little bit easier.