Sexin it up (kinda) at 82

The bitch

So I'm slingin wieners the other day when one of my regulars, an older man who lives in the building in front of me comes by. He orders his dogs and proceeds to give me a short(ish) lecture on how he was "saved" at 9 years old and how Jesus is the "only way" and if you haven't got Jesus in your life you are lost, blah, blah, blah. Then, out of left field, completely, he starts yammering on about how he's having a problem satisfying his wife sexual needs! How the new medications aren't working for him and maybe his heart isn't strong enough to supply the needed blood! How he can still "take care of himself, you know, like men do" but that it's a big no-go on the horizontal Mambo with the Mrs. HOLY SHIT!

Now, I'm all about chatting about women and stuff, but this just crosses a line that I never even knew I had drawn. Lets get to the points!

1) Jesus and hot dogs!?! Christians are just so pushy! I'm just, like, "need some mustard" and he's all about "Jesus is the only way to heaven." I really respect folks's religion and faith, but there is a time and a place for this stuff and my cart, the gas station, Sam's parking lot, my front door on a Saturday morning are just not them! I'll take my religion on my own time, thank you very much. BTW, I thought that the Bible was pretty much set against rubbing one out!? Something about spilling the sacred seed (or in the case of my friend the dried remnents thereof).

2) Why are old people so damn tripped out on chatting about their private life? My gramps told my dad (when he was 90 or so) how "the viagra" had him and his girlfriend (80's) rolling around on the floor "like teenagers". Just recently I got another earful from this same older man about his "diarrhea" that apparently he feels he got from beer (Blasphemer!!!) Not just a couple of words, but color, consistency, clarity, and carat! It was like buying a fucking diamond!

Okay, I know, and can handle, the whole "respect your elders" thing, but at some juncture we have to send a message to these people! Maybe a large-print pamphlet or, how about we hide it in a crossword puzzle or a billboard or maybe, just maybe, screaming our heads off and running away every time they start in on some intimate issue that we just can't stomach.

"The other day, I was poking myself in the testicles with a fork for no reason and..........,"

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH......" (Sounds of size 12 boots running)

Just thinkin out loud.

Vic OUT!

The Pitch

I'm shooting to stay with a theme today, so I will be pitching a twitter site that has caught my attention and has furnished me with plenty of laughs. It also deals with things older adults say but in the angry, crazy straightforward older person manner rather than the insane bathroom/bedroom older person manner I have described henceforth! "Shit my dad say's" is a Twitter account wherein a young man (29) lives with his aging father who says some truly awesome stuff. He writes it down and posts to twitter for our enjoyment! I am to understand that he has now written a book and there is a TV show in development as well. I'm not sure where I stand on the book and show, but the site is true simple genius. Enjoy!

Just cause you smoke, doesn't mean you have to be an ash-hole!

The bitch

I'm originally from New York! You heard! One of the things that most impressed my wife and I about moving south was how much pride cities took on the upkeep of their roads and highways. My wife and I always find joy in showing our northern friends and relatives around and having them comment on the general appearance of things. I am especially proud of the Adopt a Highway program which we had never seen before, but was in full blown existence when we moved down 20 years ago! But inevitably when showing off the awesomeness of Charlotte, we will hear our northern buddies comment, "Wow! Look at all those cigarette butts" when we pull up to a stop at pretty much every intersection. Sad face emoticon!

Now, I've never smoked, so I can honestly say I've never tossed a butt into the middle of the road while waiting at a light. Maybe I'm missing something. Some great rush of felling that accompanies such an act, but, alas, I can only stand to the side and watch, wondering what it is like not to think my actions as singular, forgettable events with no regard for the future or impact on others. I am cursed with the knowledge that everything I do now will impact someone or something down the road and thus, I feel compelled to think before I act. DAMN THE LUCK!

To those who toss out your butts with the apparent belief that they will magically disappear, I have bad news: The only real magic out there is how David Blain is still getting television programs and the "Land of missing socks!

I would like to propose a few new highway beautification program slogans at this time. I am giving them away for free, so if you like em, use em!

Carolinas Roads: Highway's or Ashtrays

The Choice is yours!

or

Use your ashtray, dick-head!

It's that thing in your car with your change in it!

or

Tuesday's are punch a butt-chucker in the face day.

Let's all be proud Charlotteans together people. Charlotte doesn't have to be a pigsty to be a world class city.

The pitch

This just seems so fitting, I can't resist!

If you read back, you will see that I am a hot dog guy. I am also a BBQ fanatic and caterer! My pitch today is for the Cameron Stovetop Smoker! Ha, you see the way I did that?! I am pitching a smoker even as I just bitched about smokers! I am a laugh fuckin riot!!!!

Seriously, though, I have had the pleasure of using my two INDOOR stovetop smokers for the past 5 years and can say without fear of consequence that the quality of the food, the convenience of being able to do smaller batches of BBQ (even in the dead of winter) and the quality of the product itself is unreal! I am fond of the Hickory wood chips mixed with a little alder wood, but there are MANY types of wood chips available for each persons individual tastes. I hope this pitch finds some willing folks to dive into the world of home BBQ, but beware! Because BBQ is a harsh mistress and will take up way too much of your brain and thinking time! Good luck......Vic out!

Get in the hole!

The Bitch

To the guy who continues to yell "Get in the hole!" at the Masters and every other golf tournament. Please die.

The Pitch

I really like the Ziplock Twist and Loc storage containers! They are a price conscious way to store your foods and really seal them well. No more popped tops when things fall over.