Sexin it up (kinda) at 82

The bitch

So I'm slingin wieners the other day when one of my regulars, an older man who lives in the building in front of me comes by. He orders his dogs and proceeds to give me a short(ish) lecture on how he was "saved" at 9 years old and how Jesus is the "only way" and if you haven't got Jesus in your life you are lost, blah, blah, blah. Then, out of left field, completely, he starts yammering on about how he's having a problem satisfying his wife sexual needs! How the new medications aren't working for him and maybe his heart isn't strong enough to supply the needed blood! How he can still "take care of himself, you know, like men do" but that it's a big no-go on the horizontal Mambo with the Mrs. HOLY SHIT!

Now, I'm all about chatting about women and stuff, but this just crosses a line that I never even knew I had drawn. Lets get to the points!

1) Jesus and hot dogs!?! Christians are just so pushy! I'm just, like, "need some mustard" and he's all about "Jesus is the only way to heaven." I really respect folks's religion and faith, but there is a time and a place for this stuff and my cart, the gas station, Sam's parking lot, my front door on a Saturday morning are just not them! I'll take my religion on my own time, thank you very much. BTW, I thought that the Bible was pretty much set against rubbing one out!? Something about spilling the sacred seed (or in the case of my friend the dried remnents thereof).

2) Why are old people so damn tripped out on chatting about their private life? My gramps told my dad (when he was 90 or so) how "the viagra" had him and his girlfriend (80's) rolling around on the floor "like teenagers". Just recently I got another earful from this same older man about his "diarrhea" that apparently he feels he got from beer (Blasphemer!!!) Not just a couple of words, but color, consistency, clarity, and carat! It was like buying a fucking diamond!

Okay, I know, and can handle, the whole "respect your elders" thing, but at some juncture we have to send a message to these people! Maybe a large-print pamphlet or, how about we hide it in a crossword puzzle or a billboard or maybe, just maybe, screaming our heads off and running away every time they start in on some intimate issue that we just can't stomach.

"The other day, I was poking myself in the testicles with a fork for no reason and..........,"

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH......" (Sounds of size 12 boots running)

Just thinkin out loud.

Vic OUT!

The Pitch

I'm shooting to stay with a theme today, so I will be pitching a twitter site that has caught my attention and has furnished me with plenty of laughs. It also deals with things older adults say but in the angry, crazy straightforward older person manner rather than the insane bathroom/bedroom older person manner I have described henceforth! "Shit my dad say's" is a Twitter account wherein a young man (29) lives with his aging father who says some truly awesome stuff. He writes it down and posts to twitter for our enjoyment! I am to understand that he has now written a book and there is a TV show in development as well. I'm not sure where I stand on the book and show, but the site is true simple genius. Enjoy!